Relevant Ramblings

...well, for me.

God has shown me, I've noticed, and I've been thinking about a number of things both while in Africa and also since being back. I figured it'd be good to get them all out of my head--who knows, maybe it'll give you something to think about, too.

One of my first nights in Africa I had a conversation with the ladies about miracles. One of them asked me, "Hey Jess, when you pray, do you pray for extraordinary things? Do you pray for things that wouldn't make logical sense to another person?" After thinking a second I had to respond telling her that most of the time I didn't. My prayers for the most part are pretty logical and concrete. She then asked me why do I think that is? Why don't I (and people in general) pray for the extraordinary? Why don't we pray for miracles? That question lingered in my mind for the next day or so and I came to the conclusion because we--because I-- lack faith. I serve an extraordinary God who performs the "illogical" in human eyes, yet I fail to have faith to even ask what He tells us He can do, and has already done. "You have not, because you ask not" kept running through my head over and over. Then, we went out to our first camp the day after arriving in Gulu. It's amazing looking back at all of the details and how the Lord planned out everything so perfect and how He had everything happen in such amazing timing. I had the opportunity to pray for 3 hours for and over at least 100 people needing healing--both physically and more importantly, spiritually. I was able to pray for healing--miraculous healing! I was even tempted to be discouraged because I didn't have an interpreter to translate my prayers to the individuals I was praying for and then the Lord quickly reminded me that it is HIM who hears the prayers and has the power to answer them. Translator or not, He knew what the needed before I even came into the picture! Through out the whole rest of the time in Africa, He showed me how powerful the prayers of the faithful and righteous can be. He revealed Himself to me in ways that others may not ever see. The fact that He would choose to open my eyes to such an awe inspiring King baffles me. Truly, it does. I also listened to the prayers of those I came to love there at Favour of God and realized that I don't hear their prayers often in America. I was able to talk to a number of them about that exact thing and I had one guy say to me, "It's simple. In America it seems that everything is at your fingertips. Something is wrong, there's something to 'fix' it. No one leaves any room for the Lord to do His work--or even sees it when He does, which is all of the time." Faith is not needed for the seen. Faith is needed for the unseen. Miracles are real and I don't ever want to miss out on seeing the Lord's hand on ANYTHING, especially the things that so many fail to even acknowledge.

Learning about a person and knowing a person are two completely different things. The Lord told me before I went that I was to truly get to know the people I came in contact with. I didn't know what all that consisted of and what exactly He desired of me. I now see that He wanted to change my heart, and not just my head. He wanted to impact the people in Uganda with the compassion he bestowed upon me for a lifetime, not just a week, and He didn't just want me to have a story to tell others but a Truth-filled, real life, burden. In the process, Jesus seemed to consistently whisper to me "This is what I desire of you...for you to know me, and not just about me." Now, I have seen the difference it makes by my own eyes. Just as I find myself wanting to be known--by those I care about--my family, close friends, and Lord willing, my future husband. I mean really, how bad would it suck to be married to someone who knows about you and doesn't truly know you for you?! Think about it. Jesus wants us to KNOW HIM. We can never come close to knowing Him as He knows us since He is the one who created us, but what a ride it is to earnestly try! It's a win/win deal.

How we view the Lord determines our walk with Him. I'm going to speak in stereotypes for a minute, so hang in there. It is not uncommon today to hear many talk about Jesus being their 'homeboy' and 'best pal' who understands when they do something they shouldn't and doesn't judge and therefore they go out again and again...and again not caring the slightest about the consequences or what anyone thinks, yada yada. Now, please don't hear me wrong. Jesus literally is my best friend and He does love me, and you, regardless of your mess-ups. And He will forgive over and over, just as He has with me many times. What I'm getting at is the way the African believers viewed Jesus was truly inspirational. He isn't just some guy. He is real. He is the risen KING. He is Holy. Righteous. They bow down to Him knowing they don't deserve to even stand in His presence. For some reason it just seems that in our culture His deity is played down to our liking...to make us feel better about who WE are instead of lifting up His name and portraying who HE Is. I don't ever want to be guilty of taking anything away from the character of Jesus Christ the Almighty Savior just to satisfy my desire to feel better about anything. The sad thing is, I have no doubt I have. It really forced me to honestly look at myself, my desires, and purge out anything unhealthy in the way I view my Lord.

I noticed something in the Believers while in Africa. It took a little bit to put words to what I saw. It was genuineness. Pure genuineness. There was a confidence among them that was immensely attractive. Not in the "I want to marry you attractiveness" But a general attractiveness. Well, as I sit here thinking about it and want to be completely honest, maybe a little of the "I could marry someone like this attractiveness." :) Anyways, I saw them using their talents and gifts in a way that glorified the Lord and blessed others. I was overwhelmingly blessed!! --to tears at times. (I'll go into that here in a minute) I realized they were lacking something that I myself have been guilty of too many times. False humility. There have been times where a person has complimented me on something--a God given ability--and I've done the whole shy away thing and discredited any compliment. For instance, those of you who know me know that I have a passion for music and enjoy singing. For years I didn't even venture out to do the thing that brought me joy and the Lord glory because I was too timid and took too much credit in myself by caving into my insecurities. Even today I don't step out in faith at times when on the inside I am dieing to leap. I didn't see or sense a soul hesitating one bit to glorify the Lord in what He has gifted them with. Whether it was preaching, singing, teaching, encouraging, playing music, etc.--they used it ALL with joy and confidence in the One whom created them AND their gift/talent. Talk about a humbling lesson from the One up above! Challenging to say the least. This goes for getting in front of people and speaking also. I had a number of opportunities while in Africa to share my testimony and give an encouraging word. I praise Jesus He has shown me that I am merely the vessel and He is everything else! The few times I was nervous He blew me away. I opened my mouth and His words came out. What a joy it is to know that He changes hearts and what He asks of me is obedience. If I am willing to truly surrender myself to His will, He is readily willing to move mountains.

There is freedom in crying. I believe it with every ounce of my being. I cry-that's no secret. I can cry a lot. It's one of the ways I pour out my heart to the Lord and gives me a release. Extreme joy-cry. Extreme frustration-cry. You get the picture. In Uganda the culture is so extremely different than mine. That's a given. Emotions aren't something seen on the outside very often, especially the men's. I have to be honest, it was just a little humorous to see their reaction to me when I cried--just because they didn't know what to do but to say "So sorry!" I had to explain once when I had tears rolling down my face as I was listening to one of the young men tell me about his past and the things he endured that it wasn't a lack of confidence in the power of the Lord that I was crying but because I was sad and that I can be sad and have FULL assurance in the Lord's plan and protection at the same time! It really made me think though. Of course my mind goes for a minute to the counselor part of me. I just can't help it at times! :) All this to say that as dorky as it may sound I am grateful for the ability to cry and not be ashamed of my emotions. While they shouldn't be something I depend on because Lord knows they every direction possible at a whim, they definitely serve a purpose!

There is a ton more that has been going on in my head the past few days, but I'm exhausted and should probably go to bed so I'll leave it at that for now. I am still amazed at how much I miss Gulu and the people there. I was praying and wondering today if it's something that will ever go away.

I decided that I don't want it to.