oNe MonTh

One month.

Can you remember what you did one month ago today? I hugged and kissed my family and friends (and cat and dogsJ) goodbye and boarded a plane. It was so hard. It was exciting. It was freeing. It was a literal step of faith. I was overwhelmed with all of the possibilities and still so, so certain I was doing exactly what God wanted.

I can still remember the night I heard Him tell me I was going to Sudan like it was yesterday. Life seemed a bit chaotic with lots of changes at work. Nothing was for sure. My position was ending and I still had no idea what my new one would be, if there would be one. I walked into my room one evening. I got out the sheet of paper that I had felt led to write out the night before. It was a literal list of options…possibilities. The very last option at the bottom of the sheet was long(er) term missions in Africa. I stood there in the middle of my room, looked down at my paper, and began praying. Within seconds I was weeping. I was taken aback. Why was I crying like this, Lord? You, my child, are grieving all of the things you are going to be leaving, He told me. I knew right then. I was going to Africa for an amount of time I didn’t quite know then, but knew it was longer than my 2 week trips in the past. Boy, did I grieve.

I sit here now, one month into this journey He has set out before me. Most days I still get hit with the fact that I live here, in Sudan. It’s still surreal. I wonder if that will eventually wear off. I feel like I’ve been here longer than a month to tell the truth. One day can hold so much that it seems to be enough for a whole week! Time isn’t really the same here. When you don’t have the meticulous schedule, it all just flows.

I’ve learned so much, yet know it’s nothing compared to what is ahead. I’m being broken. It’s a beautiful mess. Have you ever known the privilege to hurt as He hurts for his people? It’s ridiculously painful and sanctifying. It forces me to my knees calling out to the only One who can comfort, heal, change, save.

I’m trying to patiently learn what it looks like to simply dwell in His presence. To be fully satisfied being still. To fully be “His gal” as I was gently reminded not to overlook by a sweet friend of mine. There are so many things I’m still trying to figure out and learn. By His grace I trust He will teach me.

Today I went to Jalimo village for the first time. It’s a 30 minute ride out there on a motor bike. I really do enjoy the rides out to the villages (most of the ride, anyways). I’ve always loved riding with my dad on his motorcycle. There’s just something freeing about the wind in your face. Of course, there’s added dynamics to riding a little motor bike in Sudan on the gravel roads (if you’re lucky) or more likely, the obstacle course that is known as Africa. I was also made very aware of the fact that bugs hitting your face while going a decent speed feels alllllllmost the same as getting a shot with a beebee. I had the privilege of experiencing that a few times. I suppose I should be thankful, it’s likely I got the good end of the interaction between myself and the bugs. J I find myself just taking in the scenery on the journey. I’m working up the guts to actually have my camera around my neck and snap a few shots while in motion. Until then, my eyelids are my camera. Trust me; I take hundreds of pictures along the way. It’s one of those things that you just want to share with those you love.

About half way through the ride, I was praying and had a sweet reminder of God’s presence. When I go on motorcycle rides with my dad he will reach back and squeeze or pat my knee affectionately. I’ve always taken it as his way of reminding me he loves me and is glad I’m there with him. It’s one of those small things that mean a lot. It’s as if my Abba did that today for me. Just a sweet little reminder that He loves me and is glad I was there.

Things went well in Jalimo and the clients there were introduced to the IA2 groups. They want me to come back on Thursday to begin the group. Oh, and this is totally random, but I had to laugh at myself because of it. One of the ladies in Jalimo today was pregnant, beautifully so. You can tell she is due any time now. Bless her heart; you could see how uncomfortable she was. I thought to myself as I was off in lala land because Scovia was discussing things in KuKu and I have about an hour to myself sitting there in front of everyone…I would LOVE it if she went into labor right NOW!! I’ve seen many births in the states (because of my previous job), but not one in AFRICA! I’ll be honest; I played it all out in my head. It would have been awesome. I know, random.

Okay, so do you want in on something?........I’m human. AHH!

I was reminded of that loud and clear yesterday. Yesterday was the first day I can honestly say was all in all hard for me. Now, before I go on. Please understand something. When I say it was hard for me that does not necessarily mean it was a bad day. It FELT like a bad day, but even in my frustrations I know that those days are often the ones I am stretched to rely even more so on Him. So, that being said, outside of my emotions and how it felt, it was actually a wonderful day of growth. (Isn’t it funny how God works that way? I so desperately want growth for those I’m serving and He’s accomplishing just that in me!)

The honest to goodness truth is though there was many times I just wanted to go away. I know myself. I know when I get to a certain point it’s really hard for me to get in the right mindset. Lord knows I wear every last bit of emotion on my sleeve (further proven when at least 3 people at the office asked if I was tired or missing my ‘mommy’), so it’s not like I could do even a fair job of brushing it to the side. Boy, I sure did try though! I pretty much forced myself not to cry on and off all day. That is a task in and of itself for me!

I kept trying to ask myself WHY I was annoyed. WHY did I want to cry? Why? What’s the root of all this?

There were many answers, but after spending some much needed time alone (ironically in the middle of my room…crying, where it all began) with the Lord I came to a couple main ones.

1. I am impatient. Yeah, that didn’t feel good.

2. I feel like a broken record. Not heard. Not understood. Replaying over and over and over.

I want to see results. I want these groups to form, for there to be consistency, accountability, for those participating to be thoroughly blessed by them and in turn to GROW! Those are amazing hopes and goals, yet I find myself getting wrapped up in reaching a goal, that I think I’m risking overlooking the process in getting there. I’m trying to find the balance.

I found myself yesterday realizing that since I’ve been here, I have been tirelessly repeating the same thing over and over and over in each attempt to meet with a group. I’ve yet to have the same group of people meeting twice. I was annoyed that I felt like I was just saying words over and over again, and starting to feel that I’m not even really expressing my heart. It’s hard when you keep at something, just hoping for an inkling of anything that shows you they “get” it.

For the first time I had the thought, what if I get back to the states and there’s no evidence that anything has been accomplished?! Immediately, I knew that thought was not of God. First off, this…any of this… has nothing to do with me!! Second, what a statement full of fear and NOT of the God I serve!

It was just a constant battle in my head yesterday. Back and forth.

So hard. Stretching. Necessary for growth.

Would you please pray that I will be refreshed with an abundance of joy? Pray that I will be given a determined spirit, not for anything of myself, but for the works of the Lord to be accomplished in and through me. Please pray that God will continue to work on the hearts of those He wants to touch through these discipleship groups. Please pray that ANY selfishness or agenda that I may have will be replaced with a completely understanding and patient spirit as I am guided by the Holy Spirit. Please pray that I will continue to choose Truth over any lies or emotions the enemy wants me to believe.

Today’s post is a bit raw. All of the above being said, I am still so enormously grateful that I get to do this. I get to serve the Lord in a place that He gave me a passion for. It is an enormous privilege, one that I am constantly thanking Him for. Thank you all for your continued support and prayers. I am so thankful for each and every one of you and feel the abundance of prayers often!! God has used YOU as a means to help make all of this happen. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

I will now leave you with a lesson learned from Sudan: jumping up and down to pump the water rather than not, is the way to go. From day one I watched how the women and children pumped the water. They didn’t just move the lever up and down, but literally used their whole body and jumped up and down. I get it now. Once the team left, I went to pump my own water for my room. I did 3 jerry cans full before Alice came to me and took the lever from me, saying, “You are tired!” I looked at her; I had thought I was doing pretty well!!! Haha So, I just let her. There’s not much arguing when they step in and serve you. So, a few days ago I needed to fill up my jerry cans again. I have 6 of them that I keep in the bathroom for when I bathe, wash my hair, and fill the tank to flush the toilet. I line them up like they do along the well. A few of the kiddos were at the well. (There’s always someone there) I can’t do much around here, but I CAN help pump their water!! So, I pumped 2 or 3 Jerry can’s full of the kiddo’s water for them. Each Jerry Can is 10 liters. It takes quite a bit of pumping to get one full. I felt good though! I was proud of myself. So, I kept going with mine. I did 3 more and I was feeling it. My arms were wanting nothing more to do with it! Haha So, I thought….hmmm, with the risk of looking silly I’m going to try and jump. IT WAS SO MUCH BETTER! I mean, it’s simple logic, but I’m stubborn. I was able to use my body weight instead of just my arms! J I pumped all but one of my cans, and Alice came over and started laughing. I was beet red and sweating like a man. No lie. She looked at me and took over. Once she and I had lugged the cans to my room (they are heavy, I might rethink my goal of trying to carry it on my head by the time I leave) I felt like I had a full work out!! Seriously. Oh, the joys of Africa…. :)