I’m literally sitting here, my computer in front of me, the wind gracefully brushing my face as the temperatures are simply beautiful today, ADELE singing in my earphones, wondering how exactly these buttons beneath my fingers need to be pushed and in what order. Let’s see….
I’ll start here: So, I’ve had a few people ask if I’m “okay” because my tone in my blogs of recent…sometimes it’s hard to see that for myself because well, I’m living it. Then again, I’m living it so I am experiencing it firsthand. I do realize that most often when I share on here a lot of it is the day to day living. (Dad, that just made me think of your album ‘day to day giving’…random, I know). While I’m an open book (you’d have to be crazy not to realize that by now), I do see how I share a lot of the facts relating to other people and the events that are going on here. That’s good. It’s tangible.
What is hard is putting to words what’s going on not around me, but IN me. I’m a processor. Sometimes it takes LOTS of processing for me to know up from down. Often, I feel crazy along the way.
That is what has been going on the past 2 weeks or so. A lot has been going on within me and some days trying to process it was just too much so I was sitting in it. Some good, some bad. So, yes, I am okay. Actually, I’m doing wonderfully. I have some hard days…some really hard days (way more wonderful days in comparison), but even so, none of the circumstances from day to day change my state of being enormously blessed, privileged, and swimming in God’s grace. Actually, I’m drowning.
I’m drowning in God’s grace.
So, as I mentioned, so much has been on my heart and mind. On your mark, get set, here I go….
Desires.
As believers in Jesus Christ we learn that our first desire should be God. He should be the heart of anything and everything we do. We should want Him. The truth is we all have a problem desiring God. We often choose things that are far less than what we are offered through Christ, completely ignoring the joy we have right before us- a joy that is freely ours. We chose the slum when paradise is right around the corner.
Where am I going with this? Well, insert women. Insert me. Genesis 3:16 teaches that such misplaced desires are core to the struggles women in particular will face. Eve was created in the image of God to be a strong helper to Adam. But Adam and Eve sinned, resulting in the curse. The curse is bleak for men. Their work to provide is wearisome toil. The curse is bleak for women. Childbirth will be painful, the man will rule over her, and yet, she still desires him.
I’ve read that the word for desire in Genesis 3:16 is strong, more like a craving or addiction. Being a single, almost 27 year old gal myself, I get this. That longing is there. Boy is it there. At times, if I were to be completely honest, that longing has at times defined how I thought about myself, how I fixed my hair, how I dressed, where I hung out, and who I hung out with. It has influenced how I have interacted with and treated my guy friends.
I praise God that He has decided, in His sovereign grace, to protect me from much in my life, especially in this arena. He has seemed to always remind me, when I find myself living out what I mentioned above, that I wanted (am wanting) something that they simply couldn’t give. As Genesis 3:16 predicts, I was (am) desiring “him” (him being THE guy) and looking to “him” to meet my needs in my heart that only God is supposed to meet…only God CAN meet.
You may be reading this thinking, “Wait. So, you are telling me, Jess, that you are in Sudan, Africa, serving the Lord, sharing the Gospel, loving on many people, outside of your culture, filled with an ENORMOUS amount of joy while doing all of the above, and you are STILL struggling with THIS?!” My answer is um, yes and amen. In many ways, I feel as if it’s intensified. I mean, I am doing what I am passionate about with people whom I dearly love. When you are away from the things that often distract and you are made raw, everything seems intensified. I feel like a cliché phrase like “you can take the girl out of her country, but can’t take….should fit in here somewhere. Surprise, I’m human. The personal Bible study I’ve been doing while here is called “Preparing to be the Bride of Christ-A call to Holiness” It has been just SO GOOD and challenging and encouraging. I really do think that a lot of the weight I’ve been feeling (that’s the best way I know how to describe it sometimes) is simply Satan trying his hardest to take what I’m learning about my relationship with Christ and tweaking it by the distraction of my fleshly desire for a husband.
I’m a fan of blogs, and will check in on a few of my favorites every now and then. I came across this one and man, it is exactly what I needed to read. CLICK HERE! It will likely challenge you, too. I can always use the reminder that I have someone after my joy. I have someone after my relationship with Christ. I have someone lurking, just waiting for the opportunity to deceive.
I go in and out of seasons with this, but here lately God has been working on my heart on this issue. I think being outside of my “comfort zone” and literally not having any of the typical distractions somehow made it so much easier to cling to the comfort of my heart’s desire—a helpmate, a partner in ministry, a God fearing, Truth proclaiming, like-minded husband. Now, don’t get me wrong, my desire for a husband is in no way wrong. I fully believe it is placed there by God, and for God. Allowing that desire to replace what God has for me is, it leading me to be discontent, and distracting me in what He has for me right NOW is.
Honesty.
I’ve been listening to Matt Chandler’s sermon series on Habakkuk the past week or so. Man, so good. Matt chandler talks about just how stinking honest Habakkuk is with God. He just shares it like it is. I love that. I’m a straight shooter most of the time. I don’t typically like to beat around bushes. I thought I was being honest with God the past few weeks. Really, what I was doing was going through the motions and suppressing all of the above. I mean, I know what I should want, what I should be doing, what I should take to the Lord. I would share with Him the bare minimum and off to the next thing. Or, share this bit, and off to bed. Well, Matt chandler (rather God via MC) shook me of that. I was reminded that when you “suffer silently” all of your energy will go into subduing, hiding, and/or overcoming your sin and you end up forgetting completely about the cross. You become issue driven versus cross driven. Here I was listening to this the day before Easter. It stung. My sweet Savior died for my sin. He died for it all. In no way do I want to dwell (intentionally or not) in the nastiness I was feeling as a result of not being able to “shake” the fact that I knew I was gravitating towards not being content. Okay, not being content period. Either you are or you aren’t. I was gently reminded that I AM GOING TO FALL SHORT. And, without the cross being the center of everything, I will try to muster up more strength. My own strength.
Jesus died for me while I was at my worst.
Chandler talked about a very popular song that says, “Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in His wonderful face and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.” How does sin lose its power? By mustering up strength on our own? No. Sin loses its power by marveling at the gift of mercy and grace and looking AT Jesus. Jesus becomes more lovely and attractive than the sin. Sin loses its power. Oh, the wonderful truth that god DELIGHTS in showing mercy to those who don’t deserve it.
God is my portion.
He has lavished his grace on me so that I am equipped to do every good work he has for me. He loves me unconditionally. I have free access to Him where I can boldly bring my needs and receive grace and mercy. I have a longing, and he alone is able to satisfy it. God is the gospel, and the good news of all I have in union with him dwarfs any good news and affirmation I'm hoping to get from a man.
When fully resting in the truths above, I can genuinely say that I am joyous. I have a joy that comes from none other than sweet Jesus. What is joy? Joy is the result of a life marked by a complete trust, faith, rest, hope, and comfort in who God says that He is, and who He declares us to be in Him. Joy isn't defined by circumstances. Paul says it wonderfully in Philippians 4: 11-13, “I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” So many, myself included, fail to realize that this very popular verse is talking about doing everything with contentment through Him who gives us strength. It’s possible! Thank you, Jesus.
Now, (letting out a deep breath) here’s some specific updates from this past week or so.
Monday’s group with the vocational school just didn’t “click” as it usually does. I literally told them in a very casual way that I felt like I was talking to myself, to which they laughed and said “no, no…we are here!” They simply didn’t want to talk for some reason! Then, on Tuesday Scovia and I headed out to Kinyiba. We were supposed to accomplish doing both the education seminar and the IA2 group this time. Well, we get there and literally maybe 3 or 4 clients are there. Anyone want to take a lucky guess where everyone was?!! ……You get 10 points if you guessed a funeral. So, long story short, we ended up not doing the education seminar because you um, kind of need clients to do it, but I told Scovia there was no reason why we shouldn’t still do the IA2 group. It is for anyone, and we had already driven 45 minutes out there, so the show must go on! J I am oh, so glad we did!! The group started off with Mr. Peter introducing himself to me. He is a little man that used every bit of his body as he spoke. He was funny, too! Yes, again, this precious man was extremely drunk. He was who God sent for our group this day. This is going to sound odd, but I tell you what, I am so serious when I tell you that the groups where the Lord chooses to send the one drunken person to them turn out so beautiful. There is honesty. There is openness. There is humor. There is interaction. Because of the fact that their inhibitions are gone, they talk. They share. They encourage everyone else to talk, unashamedly. I absolutely love it. Peter was no different. Come to find out he had gone to a Bible school. He knew a good bit of the Word and he was in the place where he wanted to share it!! Haha…we discussed the call of Matthew. Peter got everyone to talk and interact. Towards the end when we discussed how we were all going to be changed from what we read and talked about that day Peter was the first one to speak up. He wanted to be very clear that he struggled with sin. He shared that he knew he needed to change. He shared that his struggles were with drinking, smoking, and womanizing. He was confessing. The beautiful thing is that he didn’t have to put the words out there for us to know that. It was obvious, but he personally needed to confess it out loud. People snickered out of awkwardness, because really, how often do we find ourselves (anywhere in the world) openly confessing our sin struggles? I thanked Peter for being so honest and open. He then turned to the group and told them they ALL needed to share where they struggled so they could change! I was sitting there quietly beaming, allowing God to do His thing via Peter. No one else did quite to the extent as Peter, but one older man confessed he needed to recommit his life to Jesus, that he had been lazy about it, another woman shared that she needed to read the Word more. Do you see….one person opens up and its fuel to the wonderful fire of growth. Peter continued at one point saying he wanted to be DONE with drinking and that he was going to tell all of his drunken friends about this group so they too could be free!! He went so far to say that he was going to tell anyone, even the ones that had defecated on themselves!!! Everyone laughed, and I simply smiled and told him that Christ’s freedom was just as much for his friends as for anyone else!! Never in my life did I think the mental picture that Peter drew for me would bring me so much joy!! J
I was reminded yet again that He came for us while we were at our worst. Our absolute worst.
We finished up, I prayed specifically for Peter to be set free from his alcoholism, smoking, and womanizing. Oh, God, how I pray and hope Peter can be a mighty took for the Kingdom!!
Man, Wednesday was a day of UP and DOWN emotions. Thomas, a guy around my age, who went through the Bible school here, came with me to translate since Scovia had to head off to another village for an education seminar. The first group in wudu almost had me pulling at my hair. I am not exxaturing at ALL when I tell you that I would ask a question and NO ONE would saying anything, much less even make eye contact. So, I’d rephrase it. Then, I’d trying and saying something light hearted. Then I decided maybe actually reading out of the Bible itself was intimidating so I storied the scripture. Then, I flat out asked what I could to do make them more comfortable in sharing. NOTHING. Ahhh!!! I got satisfaction out of the fact that not even Thomas could really get them to share. It was the longest hour ever. Not to mention that the bar that we are meeting at is like a Sauna. So, your energy is literally zapped out of you upon entering the place. So, the second group comes and it was a much needed breathe of fresh air. I hardly talk at all. It’s wonderful! J AND, major prayer request: Celina, a SE client and one of the group members who is Muslim came excited to share something with me. She is really thinking and praying about surrendering her life to Christ. She explained that she was praying and found herself praying in the name of Jesus. She also shared that all of her children are born again and she has watched them and wants a Bible, wants to start going to church, and is really thinking about following Christ. I liked to fly out of my chair to hug her. J So, please be praying. She was given a Bible and I pray soon and very soon she becomes my sister in Christ
Drew headed home Thursday afternoon. It was a bit sad for me to see him go simply because the company is always nice! I fully expected that though, so it wasn’t a shocker. It was such a blessing having him around. Physically having someone here who was likeminded that I didn’t have to change the way I say or think about things when I was talking was blissful! Haha He was such an encouragement.
Mondikalok called Wednesday saying not to come on Thursday because of a funeral. At first I was frustrated, but with the help of Drew, realized how HUGE that was. I mean, they respected me enough to save me the time of driving out there. It’s all about persective. I didn’t meet in Mere either because of transportation. So, Thursday was a non-eventful day as far as the groups were concerned and that led me to being off for Good Friday.
All of what I spilled out above hit its peak on Friday, really. I went to a good Friday church service at 10 and then headed over to the water harvest compound to hang out with the everyone (Grant, John, Stephen and Ester, Stephen’s girlfriend, who was visiting from Italy!) I ended up hanging out there all day. It was MUCH needed. I struggled with feeling like a burden and an inconvenience at one point (not because of anyone or anything really…goes back to all that I was dealing with personally) and Grant was a loving brother in Christ to remind me that it simply wasn’t the truth. We hung out, ate together, played Nerts (it had been WAY too long!!). It was just such a refreshing and fun day for me.
That evening a sunset/night service had been planned. It got dark and we headed out to the field where John had worked on making a beautiful cross. The dark clouds had rolled in and the lightening was in full force. I find myself continually saying here ,”Now THIS is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen!” I’ve never seen lightening like this before. It was literally out of this world. We began and I found myself standing among 30 or so African men and women singing praises loudly to our creator and Savior of the world! The wind had picked up, the lightening was flashing above me and I could hardly stand from the weight of the power of my God. I can’t explain it. It was extraordinary. John shared a powerful message from his heart. I sat there, tears gently rolling down my cheeks at the beauty of what we were celebrating….his power over death. His power over my damnation to Hell. His power to set me FREE! As John was finishing up the floodgates opened. At first it was a drizzle, then a normal rain, and as we were given nails to go and lay at the foot of the cross, symbolizing all we needed to lay at His feet, the DOWNPOUR came upon us! It was so awesome! After a few minutes Grant and I decided t was time to get out of dodge!! We ran back to the compound. We were both drenched by the time we got into the vehicle. We made a stop to pick up 2 people that were staying at Kaya’s compound too, and by the time all of that was accomplished Grant looked like he had simply taken a shower with his clothes on, 5 times over. It was hilarious. We both decided we felt like we were on a rescue mission. So, we got back to the compound, I got in my room, shut the door, and found myself just standing in the middle of my room sopping wet, in awe of my God.
Saturday included all of the stuff in the beginning being all processed and worked out between the Lord and I and Sunday was EASTER!!! I had a great day just spending time here at the compound enjoying just “being”. Some very sad news was given on Sunday as well. David’s wife, Gloria found out that her younger brother had died from appendicitis. Please be praying for comfort for their family during this hard time. ..
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