Gracious Uncertainty

***Update: I just got finished having my ear flushed out by Norma.  Oh, the joy of being able to hear again! :) It was full out entertainment for the guys...good stuff. :) I'm going back tomorrow to finish up the other ear. I'm just so thankful God gave her to me while being here!

Happy Monday, everyone! J (okay, so I started this on Monday)

So, here’s the scoop on this past week:

I got ready as I usually do on Monday and was picked up a bit later than normal.  I didn’t think much of it and up to the office we went on the lovely motorbike.  I noticed not everyone was up at the office and thought that was odd, but yet again didn’t think a whole lot about it.  So, I’m just doing my thing, hoping maybe a few might show up for the vocational school IA2 group knowing it wasn’t likely.  They had their “graduation” the week before (which didn’t click to me and I wasn’t informed of until I was sitting at the graduation this meant everyone was going to be on Holiday), so I was hopeful but didn’t put too much stock in it. Sure enough, no one showed up.  I think this group is finished for the time being.  It’s a little disappointing that it simply came to an abrupt stop, but you know, I don’t control things, only respond to them! J  Things were really slow around the office and I began to wonder what was going on.  Then, I noticed a familiar face walking up. 

It was an extremely friendly man who I met the week prior while visit Norma and the guys on the water harvest compound.  He is a UN police officer here to train the local police.  He was extremely personable.  Among Norma, Grant, John, and I we all discussed so many things, including family, international work, and our purpose for serving in Sudan (bingo).

So, he walks up and says he was driving by and saw me sitting there at SE and remembered me telling him I was working with SE, so he thought he’d drop in and say hello.  Actually, he came specifically to wish me a happy Easter! I welcomed him and the next thing I know we are in some wonderful conversation.  Fast forward just about 3 hours, and the Gospel has been shared, many, many questions have been answered, more questions have come up, a Bible had been given, and a truly beautiful conversation had occurred.  About 2 hours in two solid, God fearing men joined in the conversation as well.  Their POWERFUL testimonies, convictions, and ability to relate with my new friend had me sitting there feeling like I was truly a part of something movie worthy.  Angelina Jolie has got NOTHING on the power of my God! J

My new friend mentioned being invited to the water harvest compound for a gathering that evening and asked if I was going.  I hadn’t gotten word of it, but he insisted I should go! Haha…so, he picked me up at 7:20 and we headed over to water harvest to hang out.  The drilling crew had returned from being out in the field for almost a month so they had a celebration dinner/hangout.  It was just a fun night of fellowship.  I was so glad that my friend was able to join (and invited me!).  He was able to see a bunch of people simply love on each other.  I pray the joy and love he witnessed begins to come together with the Truths of the loving God he’s being told of! Oh, and sweet Stephanie and Ester had baked a mango crisp.  It was amazing.  Seriously. 

So, PLEASE be praying for this wonderful opportunity the Lord has placed in my (and the Water Harvest folks) laps! Ultimately for salvation!!

I got another call telling me not to come because of a funeral on Tuesday and then I found myself at Wednesday and walking to Wudu market for the 2 groups.  This time Kenyi Simon headed to the market with me to help me with translating.  I was very intentional at making sure I walked through the market place, making stops at the clients stores that I knew would help me gather everyone else.  I didn’t want a repeat of 2 no show groups, if I could have helped it.  I find one of the members comfortably lounging in front of his storefront and asked him if he was going to join us.  He tells me he’s busy.  I forced myself not to laugh but managed, “The group is right now…right now you’re busy?” with a smile.  Yep.  Oooook. But, he told me he would most definitely be able to go around and tell the other people that the group was about to meet. Great. Beggars can’t be choosers, right?  So, off we headed to the bar (I just love saying that! Ha).  We waited, and waited….no one came.  One of the members from the 3 o’clock group came about 2:30 to make sure we were still meeting.  That was comforting, ha.  She also said she was going to go talk to this certain man to see what was up with the other’s not coming.  She came back and reported that she found him sitting in the same place I found him and he told her that he had told us everyone else was gone, so no one would be coming. Right. That would be a lie.  I know there’s no point in getting frustrated, but if truth be told, I was.  I mean, if you don’t want to come just say you don’t want to come!!! It won’t hurt my feelings.  I really, really, really have to lay all of that over to the Lord constantly.  Being a straight forward person, it really gets under my skin sometimes when time and time again I’m faced with people who simply do all they can to skirt around an issue.  It’s a WONDERFUL opportunity to practice the patience I so often prayer for! J

So, long story short, the members for the second group leisurely showed up and we got started about 3:45. Group went well.  The one person I had planned on asking to lead next week (the very first attempt in transitioning over the groups…) didn’t show.  Of course.  Not God’s timing yet.   When we finished Kenyi and I talked about all that had just taken place.  I simply asked him if he thought there was anything I could be doing/not doing that would help these groups more.  He shared a few things that simply aren’t feasible.   So, I’ve yet again come to the conclusion that I will continue to prayerfully do what I can and (joyfully) trust the Lord in and for all things! Once I vent, get my frustrations heard, then it is MUCH easier to get back to the mindset that I know God so wants me to be in….it’s all about Him, for Him, and in His ways.

Mondikalok and Mere were in store for Thursday.  I was excited to see all the Lord had in store.  As I was waiting by myself in the back of the restaurant where we meet, a man came up to me.  He came to tell me he was hungry.   Unless Jesus specifically impresses on my heart to give money, I don’t.  But, I told him that if he was truly hungry I would pay for his lunch.  He agreed.  Good sign he was legitimately hungry.  So, I paid the worker at the restaurant for his meal and I went back to the seating area.  He followed me.  He sat down and had this concerned look on his face.  He didn’t speak English too well and I think he had a hard time understanding even more of it.  I just began praying that the Lord would allow our communication to go through…on both ends.  From what I understood he was telling me that when he is given money he knows he has to pay it back.  He was asking me when he owed it back.  My heart just broke right then and there and I was SO excited that Jesus was giving me this opportunity to explain what a gracious gift is. 

Simplicity.  I love that about Jesus.  What I did for this man was simply an example of what Christ is offering to him as well.  A free gift.  Do you see how Jesus always sets everything up and all we have to do is obey in the opportunity? I love it.

Group went really well.  This man joined us, too.  Towards the end some really great questions were asked.  What does it look like to be a REAL Christian? What if you backslide?  What does that look like? Can you fall out of God’s graces? Praise God that His Word has all of the answers!

HUGE PRAYER REQUEST: Mondikalok is where I have started the transition from me leading to the Sudanese leading.  My goal was to begin this transition starting in May, so I’m right on target.  I’ve been intentionally paying attention to those in each group that have showcased their leadership capabilities. In Mondikalok there are 2 women that have pretty much been at each group meeting and are usually pretty willing to speak up and share.  So after the group and Education Seminar I asked them if they would stay a bit longer so I could talk to them.  Honestly, I didn’t really know how this would go.  I did know, however, that there was a possibility they’d flat out say no.  Then again, it was likely too that they’d consider it a huge privilege to be asked by me and would oblige even if they didn’t want to.

So, I asked the first younger lady what she thought and she looked down and said, “But I don’t know how to read”.  Immediately Scovia pointed out that I, myself, when I’m leading don’t read the scripture!  If there is someone with a Bari bible at the group meeting (which there is usually at least one person) I always have them read.  It gets them to interact and it also boosts their confidence in participating.  So, I encouraged her and told her that to be a leader in this group she would be facilitating, encouraging, and that her not being able to read could be used for the Lord, too! She smiled and said that she would be willing!  I was excited.  I was beginning to see that the Lord juuuust may have some really neat, powerful things in store for these transitions.  So, then I turned to the other lady, an older woman.  She’s so funny.  Every time she comes up to me and just starts talking to me in KuKu, as if I understand her.  She tells Scovia she wants me to learn KuKu, so she is going to KEEP talking to me in KuKu! I love it.  It’s funny though, because when I told her I was going to just keep talking to her in English for the same reason, she laughed and shied away.  All of this to say, she’s extremely personable.  So, I asked her if I could count on her to help lead this next week and she said she wanted to but she has problems with her memory.  I’m thinking that she just talking about not feeling competent to remember certain scriptures, etc.  Nope, come to find out that she was in an accident and legitimately has problems with her memory sometimes.  Perfect.  I mean, when we are weak He is strong right?! That is exactly what I was thinking as she was telling me this.  I just smiled at her and told her that it was even more of a reason for God to reveal Himself!! She sat there thinking for a moment and then told me that she wasn’t supposed to live the accident.  God spared her.  If God spared her and He put in on my heart to ask her to help lead, then she would trust that He wants her to say yes to me knowing He has a plan.  Oh, my heart, these are the types of things that make me flat out rejoice!!!   

So, much prayer for this huge step in why God sent me here would be appreciated!

Time and transportation didn’t allow for me to go to Mere again this week.  I was so hoping to see Phoebe to see how she and her son are doing.  I pray the Lord allows me to see her this week.

Oh, Friday.  So, we had our IA2 group with the SE Staff on Friday and then a 2 hour staff meeting directly (well, after taking tea of course) afterwards.  Lots and lots of sitting and talking.  I was ready to head out to the field.  Scovia had a Edu. Seminar so one of the young men from the Bible School was grabbed to head out to Jalimo and Kiri with me.  It’s a new adventure each time I head out with a new translator.  So, we get to Jalimo and it’s basically empty in the market.  I’ve had a really hard time in Jalimo so far.  I’ve only actually been able to “meet” with a group from there once and that one meeting including the members literally asking me if we could stop midway because they had other things to do.  Yeah, tough.  We didn’t meet the Friday before since it was Good Friday so I literally hadn’t a clue what to expect and was doing my best not to be pessimistic knowing that God very could well have it in His plans to spur people to come and participate! Well, He didn’t.  The people I was told to go to for help in mobilizing others weren’t around…at all.  I did get someone to go grab one of the ladies from her home nearby.  We waited.  She came after about 45 minutes and told me she’d go get others to come also.  She left and never came back.  I tried asking others that were around to come join us and they said they were busy or simply weren’t interested.  At first I was just fine.  I’m in Africa.  Waiting is as normal as breathing here.  But, then after an hour and a half I was frustrated.  Thomas could tell.  He was a bit frustrated as well.  I simply just didn’t know what to do.  I mean you can’t exactly have a group without people!!! I struggled to think that it might be a complete wash if I went and left without even meeting with people!! But at the same time I couldn’t FORCE them to come! These are the times that I go back and forth in my mind, praying.  In the meantime, while waiting, I attempted to throw stones up in the tree to get Mangos down….unsuccessfully.  I have the power to throw but not quite the aim.  I provided a good 10 minutes of entertainment for the 10 people in the market.  Thomas and I also discovered a tree full of bats!! (pics of facebook).  It was so neat/creepy.   So, after almost 2 hours , I decided to make the call to head out and venture to Kiri.  No one was coming.

We got to Kiri and I let me tell you, it was simply funny.  The roles seemed to reverse and while Thomas was trying to encourage me while in Jalimo, I was the one encouraging and challenging him in Kiri.  Thomas was learning what exactly things look like and watching, not having experienced these groups out in the villages where I have been going.  First things first: find Abuba Poresi.  We found her and she set out to mobilize the others.  This market place was empty, too.  Odd, I tell you.  So, I’m going around greeting the few that are there, noticing that Yaba is nowhere around.  Then, a VERY drunk man comes up to me.  It was apparent the task of simply standing up was almost too much for him.  He began shouting things to me, one of which was his name- John along with 4 other names that I couldn’t quite pick up.  He also started yelling at me to speak English.  The last time I had checked, that’s all I knew how to speak.  Anyways, so his personal space boundaries, as usual with these men, were let’s say…nonexistent.  I had to reassure Thomas a number of times that I was just fine.  I wasn’t uncomfortable, and that I was quite use to it.  Bless this man’s heart; he simply was just too far gone for anything to really make sense with him.  I was extremely encouraged though to see the men from this village step up.  I would walk somewhere and there John would be literally right behind me.  I’d laugh and smile and joke with him and he’d walk off and then the next thing I know he was RIGHT THERE again literally YELLING at me.  So, I asked Thomas what in the world he was yelling about.  For some reason he seemed to be angry with me.  The men that were around took notice and came and took John by the hand gently (!!) and led him away as he was yelling.  Thomas then decided to inform me that John began saying that I had done something and owed him something and that I was a thief.  Awesome.  Thomas was no longer laughing with me.  I just kept laughing, though because really…it’s all the alcohol. I asked one of the men about Yaba and he told me he was at home and he could go get him if I would like.  So, I told him yes, please.  A few minutes go by and up walks Yaba with his sweet smile and says, “Mommy.” It had been 3 weeks since I’d seen him.  So, as usual, I went with Yaba and we got him his mugatti and headed over to the restaurant to buy him a tea.  Guess what?! A woman comes up to me and greets me and tells me she is Yaba’s mom!!! I was so excited to meet her! I’m really, really, really praying that now that she has met me she might possibly come back next week.  I suppose she wanted to meet the person who was requesting for her son to come to the market place!  So, see if you can picture the following:

I am standing there greeting Yaba’s mom.  Yaba is sitting on the bench with his mugatti in one hand and figuring out how to hold his tea, too.  John finds his way back to me and I turn and BAM he’s right there next me.  I’m squatting down at Yaba’s level trying to talk to him about where he wants to sit to eat, etc.  John is mimicking me exactly, y’all.  The same stance, same tone, etc.  I just looked at him and started laughing.  I literally had an echo.  Thomas is standing there watching it all.  So, then John starts saying Lord knows what to Yaba and Yaba looks so confused so I’m asking Thomas to tell me what is being said, John is going on and on…Yaba manages to say, “What?” I’m looking at Thomas, trying to inch away from John as he is practically in my lap and Thomas has this look on his face like, “what in the world is going on?!!” I stand up and turn to my right and literally am FACE TO FACE with another man who’s breath liked to knock me over and he mutters, “What can you give me?!!”  I busted out laughing, y’all.  I was smack dab in the center of an African comedy.  John sees this man talking to me and Lord, have mercy he tries to make him back up and it was all just so crazy. Thomas steps in and says, “Jessica! This is CRAZY! We need to get out of this…it’s too much!”  And grabs me and pulls me away into the open market.  I was simply laughing at it all.  Bless Yaba’s heart, he’s sitting there looking at those men like they were nuts.  John gets really upset and starts yelling at the top of his lungs again at me that I’m a thief to which the men come back and led him off for good this time. Thomas was halfheartedly laughing simply because he was baffled with it all and was looking at me like I was crazy because I was still smiling and telling him it’s OKAY. ..let him say what he wants to say.  So, Thomas and I sit down and he looks at me and asks how in the world I could still think that was funny.  I loved being able to share with him that it was funny and didn’t “effect” me because it simply wasn’t true!!  We are told that insults will come upon us.  Plain and simple.  Just because they are said doesn’t mean they are true!! I mean, look at Jesus.  What is said about me doesn’t matter…it’s what people learn about Jesus that does! All 3 of those men need Jesus and if I’m the way He wants that to happen then so be it! Plus, people are always watching.  The few people there in the market place were watching how I responded to these men.  I wanted them to see Jesus even in that! 

 All of that calmed down and we waiting around a bit longer.  Then I decided we should go ahead and just start with the few people that just so happened to be sitting together.  I mean if they don’t come to you, you go to them, right?!

The group went amazingly well.   It ended up being me and Thomas, Yaba (who just sits there quietly eating his bread) and another man and woman. Both the man and woman claimed to be born again and had some really great things to add and discuss.  We came to an end, John made one last appearance, Yaba didn’t want me to leave as usual, I reassured him I’d be back, and off we went. 

Unpredictable and so fun! J

I woke up Saturday not feeling so good.  Every now and then I’ll have issues with my ears where they’ll get all clogged up.  It’s annoying.  So, I woke up on Saturday and literally couldn’t hear out of my left ear and had tons of pressure on both of them which gives me a headache and my equilibrium is all off.  So, you can be praying about that.  As I write this both ears are still pretty clogged up and every now and then I feel just a little dizzy.  Plus, it’s just frustrating when you can’t hear well! 

I went to Leikor market on Saturday and it was wonderful.  Scovia showed up early to the compound when usually I walk there myself.  Come to find out, they called asking us to come early because they didn’t want to miss group and would need to leave to head to Jalimo for their market supplies.  That warmed my heart!!! J Why, yes I will come EARLY!! Haha…

Leikor is now the second group I’ve began the transition over to being led by the Sudanese.  I asked 2 of the Abubas (grandmothers) in this market to lead next week.  It started raining right as I was asking them so I don’t think the communication was quiet as efficient as I would have liked it to be, but I plan on going back and trying to make sure they understood and are fully willing.  So, please be praying for this as well.  This one REALLY has potential to be completely self-sustaining pretty quickly.  I’m excited to see what God does…  

 I went to church Sunday morning and was humbled and challenged beyond measure.  Pastor Kenneth was off serving somewhere so Pastor Tolbert preached in his spot.  This man has such a genuine joy and love for the Lord.  I met Pastor Tolbert the very first week I was here with the team.  He helped the team with translation and such.  Almost a month ago we got horrible news that Pastor Tolbert’s son had been hit by a bus and was killed.  Death is everywhere here.  Everywhere.  Pastor Tolbert wanted to share his testimony to the congregation.  He went on to explain that he went home to visit family.  He was headed on his way back and got a call about his 18 year old son.  His son was riding on his bike and a speeding bus (they are huge) came by and hit his son making a connection on the side of his head and his hip area.  The impact sent his son flying into the bush, he was killed instantly.  He went so far as to include the detail that his son’s hair was still attached to the corner of the bus where it had hit him when he arrived on the scene.  Tolbert shared that he was silent for 15 minutes.  He said that he didn’t know what to think or do but knew he needed to get God’s mind about him.  He then headed back home to find that a huge crowd had gathered and had the driver of the bus held there and were all shouting and saying what should be done to him, so much so that the police had to control the crowd.  Tolbert shared that the driver came to him and kneeled before him and asked him what he was going to do and Tolbert told him that it was not his job to make anything happen to him for his son’s death.  He told the man that it is in God’s control to give and take life and that he trusts God’s timing for such a thing and that if the government decided to make him pay, so be it, but that the government’s decision had nothing to do with him..that he forgave him.  I sat there in my chair among these Sudanese people, tears streaming down my face, in awe of the beauty of Tolbert’s ability to obey in his suffering.  It was simply beautifully convicting.  He was honest in sharing that it didn’t take away the pain he feels from the loss of his son, and that he misses him, and that his family still cries a lot about it, but he trusts his God is in control.

Powerful.

How many of us can say that? I mean, could you say that your God is mighty when you find out that after you’ve chosen to disobey and marry a second wife and have contracted HIV and then your first wife leaves you as a result and you are living with the consequences of ALL of that? Can you say God is in control when you are raped at the age of 15 and find yourself pregnant as a result? Can you trust God when you are widowed in our early 20’s with children?  Can you still sing praises to God when both of your parents are kidnapped by the LRA and murdered before you? Can you say all is well with your soul when your adult children are drunks and frequently come to your home simply to beat you over and over again? Can you trust Jesus when you have chronic sickness, forcing you to depend on others to survive?  Can you have faith in the Lord when your wife births four children, all not living long enough to see their first birthday? Can you know that God is with you when you find yourself barren and shunned by your husband as a result?

I could go on and on.  It’s a never ending list of suffering.  It almost seems that living here is suffering.  God speaks so often in His word about suffering.  It would take so long to put down all that my heart is stirred on about this…

In the midst of suffering I am seeing the purest form of joy.  So many can give an emphatic, “Yes!” to all of the questions above.  Tolbert is an example of that.  Truly suffering purges us of ourselves.

Maybe I’ll touch on this some other time…

So, Sunday afternoon I did a bunch of nothing.  God did provide a sweet time of “hanging out” with Rita.  Rita is 15 and is Kaya’s niece.  I had noticed that she had started to come around me more the past few days.  I also noticed that she seemed to watch me.  She’s now become comfortable just coming to my room and sitting herself down.   Everyone on the compound is just as much a part of the ministry set before me and I am reminded of that as I had a 15 year old girl plopping herself down talking to me about her school, boys, and being bored with no friends.  15 year old girls are 15 year old girls no matter where you go. J

      

So, each morning part of my routine is to read the daily devotion for that day from Oswald Chambers’ “My Utmost for His Highest” and to then try and allow the Truth to soak in. I don’t know that there is one that doesn’t sit heavy with me.  

Friday’s was just so good and I wanted to share it. (especially looking back and seeing all that Friday held!!)

It’s titled “The Graciousness of Uncertainty”.  I was hooked already. It went on to say:

“Naturally, we are inclined to be so mathematical and calculating that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing. We imagine that we have to reach some end, but that is not the nature of spiritual life. The nature of spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty; consequently we do not make our nests anywhere.  Common sense says—“Well, supposing I were in that condition…” We cannot suppose ourselves in any condition we have never been in. 

                Certainty is the mark of the common-sense life: gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life.  To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, we do not know what a day may bring forth.  This is generally said with a sigh of sadness; it should be rather an expression of breathless expectation.  We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God.  Immediately we abandon to God, and do the duty that lies nearest, He packs our life with surprises all the time.  When we become advocates of a creed, something dies; we do not believe God, we only believe our beliefs about Him.  Jesus said, “Except ye…become as little children.”  Spiritual life is the life of a child.  We are not uncertain of God, but uncertain of what He is going to do next.  If we are only certain of our beliefs, we get dignified and severe and have the ban of finality about our views; but when we are rightly related to God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty, and expectancy.

                “Believe also in Me,” said Jesus, not—“Believe certain things about Me.” Leave the whole thing to Him, it is gloriously uncertain how He will come in, but He will come.  Remain loyal to Him.”

I pray my life is marked by Gracious Uncertainty! (I’m pretty sure that if/when it comes time to change my blog name this will be it!)    

Oh, one last thing…I woke up with a sore throat this morning.  Please pray it’s nothing and will simply go away! Tinate Parek!

I pray you are loving and suffering well.