So, as I’m sure you can imagine there have been (and I assume will continue to be) struggles in this journey the Lord has chosen for me here recently. Man, at times that is the understatement of the century.
I battle feelings (oh, do I battle feelings), and thoughts, and assumptions, and expectations, and other people’s feelings, thoughts, assumptions, and expectations (amazing how that is). Those are just a few broad things to name a few.
Today, my battle was with a conference table. Yes, you read correctly.
I know. I’m crazy, right? Let me explain. I am sitting at my desk typing some things up and my boss walks in and asks if I think the large conference table will fit in my office. So, I think for a minute and tell her my thoughts, etc., and she explains that she is thinking of making my office a conference room because it would be perfect since it could be private, etc.
So, to give you a mental picture: I am sitting at my desk; she and a co-worker are measuring my office with a tape measure and discussing whether or not the table and chairs will all fit in here.
(Disclaimer: What I am about to say has NOTHING to do with the people I mention, and EVERYTHING to do with what the Lord is teaching me.)
They left my office and I just started crying. I find myself in this position more frequently these days. I am crying and I have to purposely make the effort to ask my self, “Why am I crying? What is this really about?”
I felt invisible.
I felt disposable.
I felt insignificant.
I felt forgotten.
I felt like I didn’t belong.
I know for a fact that the Truth is:
I have never been invisible to God.
[“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.” Psalm 139: 13-15]
I am precious and of use for His glory.
[“For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Ephesians 2:10]
I am chosen.
[“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.” Romans 8:28-30]
I am written on the palms of His hands.
[“See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.” Isaiah 49:16]
Now, in that moment, that is how I felt. I know my Almighty Father tells me different. Actually, He tells me quite the opposite as you can see. Isn’t it amazing how that can be? If I were to be completely honest, it aggravates me so much. I HATE how non-truths can slip into my life and the lives of others. God has really been speaking to me about that here recently. I have to purposely live a life of Truth and NOT a life believing lies—I have to be ACTIVE in not only seeking Truth which will then help in KNOWING when something is a non-truth. The enemy would have loved for me to buy into each and every one of those lies up there.
I refuse. I refuse. I REFUSE!
I digress. Okay, back to my point. As time closes in and I have less and less time (a week and a half) left here at work I can’t help but be faced with the reality that I have indeed willingly chosen to walk away from this place that I love, the people that I love, and all of the memories of the past almost 4 years. It was a lot easier to swallow that a month ago. Right now, I would be lying if I told you I don’t tear up or actually cry when I think about it.
This is hard, y’all. This is really hard. (Not less worth it, or exciting, or beautiful, but still hard)
All of this is why I had a hard time with the conference table. It brought with it the harsh reality that this season is soon to be over. What a bitter sweet reminder. I love this office. It is decorated in a way that represents me. I have my African theme going on with fabrics and pictures. I have Joshua 1:9 on the wall. I see my diplomas and am reminded of all the work that went into receiving those 2 sheets of paper. I see the wall of pictures of all my babies I’ve seen adopted and their proud parents. This office has been my safe haven in the midst of what felt like utter chaos the past few months. I remember telling myself that even if things were difficult and frustrating, I would at least know I could sit in my chair, look around in my office, and know that this physical bit of space was where God wanted me because He told me so.
It puts a smile to my face to think that here in a few months I will have a different type of space where God wants me. Oh, it will be Africa themed alright! Haha. :)
Who knew a conference table could have such an impact?
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