Into the Unknown

Thursday June 23rd, 2011

It’s here. My four months are over and I can’t seem to believe it. Not so subtle reminders are everywhere. My bags are packed, someone else is living in my room, a phone call was made to check on a departing flight, and so far I have cried more than I haven’t cried.

I trend to retreat into myself when it comes time for goodbye’s and because of my full awareness of this fact I told myself I was going to be intentional to fully live in the goodbyes of today. I didn’t want to miss out on the beautiful pain that goes along with saying goodbye to my loves. It, too…the pain…is such a gift. I’ve come to learn that one of the measuring sticks of giving my heart away is the pain that comes when I leave it behind. How much less joy would I encounter if I was too afraid to feel the pain?

I woke up and just laid there under my mosquito net. Who knows when I will open my eyes again to see the blanket of white covering over me? I wanted to drink it in as tears fell down my cheek. My feet touched the floor and I got ready just like every other day, only it didn’t feel like any other day. There was an added joy of satisfaction mingled with a daunting ball of emotion stuck in my throat.

I heard the horn outside. Oh, no! I HAD to say goodbye to the kiddos. Mercy, Wani, and Mike have been my three little amigos. Then were about to head off to school and I ran out there and asked Kaya to stop so I could say goodbye. Oh, my heart could barely stand it. I hugged my sweet babies and kissed their cheeks. I’m not sure they really knew that when they got home I’d be gone. Every fiber of my being knew fully well. Lord, please comfort them when they realize their gelatot buddy is gone. Thank you for gifting them with Rebecca. You have provided and I can’t thank you enough for that.

The team and I ate breakfast together and I couldn’t help but smile as I ate the grease soaked chapatti and yummy eggs just as I had so many times before in the past 4 months. In mere hours my diet will drastically change.

Calls were made to check on our MAF flight and we simply hung around the compound enjoying each other’s company and double checking we had everything packed and ready. Pictures were taken, sweet words were exchanged, and we were getting ready to head out. Then, we were told our flight was coming in later than we thought. Yes, I am still in South Sudan, and yes being late is perfectly on time. I am reminded at how much the Lord has worked on me as I am able to laugh and enjoy that truth for what it is. Even more so, I thanked the Lord for giving me more time. More time. Others may have been disappointed and I was resting in more time.

We decided to head up to the Seed Effect office with our extra time so some could use the Internet and we could possibly walk around Wudu market one last time. Praise You, Father. I was so thankful yet so fearful, too. I might break down. Actually, there was a good chance. I thought I had said all of my goodbye’s yesterday. I have to remind myself again of the beauty in the pain.

We ended up hanging out at the office for just a bit and then we all walked over to Wudu market. Scovia joined us, which simply blessed my heart. I could never express to her with my words the God send she was (is), so one last walk along the dirt road, hand in hand, will do…my sweet Sudanese sister given specifically to me for my time in Sudan. We walked around, I got to say goodbye one last time to a few of the Seed Effect Clients, and we headed back to the Seed effect office. Again, I found my eyes trying to permanently impress my sights into my mind, my nose memorizing the familiar smells, and my ears fine tuning to the specific sounds of this land.

Once getting back I saw Thomas walking up. Lord, thank you for the gift of Thomas. I was afraid I may not see him again. With each minute drawing nearer to my departure my tears were that much closer. I was able to have such a sweet conversation with Thomas, thanking him for selflessly serving me each and every time, serving his people, and ultimately serving Jesus. I managed to get out my heart’s longing to see him flourishing in the Lord, trusting Jesus in every way, in all things, at all times. Thomas was such a dear friend to me and simply made me laugh every time I was around him. In a place where so many things can go misunderstood, our language of laughter was medicine to my soul. We laughed often and we laughed hard. It hurts just thinking about how much I will miss his sweet smile and sarcastic nature.

Since we had some more time, the team and I ended up heading back over to Kaya’s for lunch. Boy was this entertaining. Apparently my dear friend Ami had put on a new nausea patch on in preparation for the flight. She also had taken some Dramamine orally in addition to this…and had not eaten. Are you picturing it? She was loopy. She was beyond loopy. She was entertaining to say the least.

Once lunch was over we all loaded up and headed towards the air strip to wait on the MAF flight. It began raining and all of my emotions flooded over me. As if I wasn’t fully aware of all the turmoil going on inside of me, my body was shouting it loud and clear in the form of a stomach ache. It’s amazing how our bodies speak to us in this way.

When we pulled up I was so excited to see the UN vehicle parked on the side of the road. My Pakistani friend was doing his duty on the air strip—intentionally to see us off. I was so thankful to get a chance to say goodbye to him one last time. Kaya soon drove up as well with Scovia. As everyone chit chatted about this or that I found myself feeling as if I were in a dream. Is this real? Am I about to leave what feels like home right now for the only home I knew prior to coming here? Of course the questions of, “What if I never see these people again?” and “Will I ever be back?” float in my mind and I’m doing everything I can to praise Jesus. I praise you Lord for allowing me to be here. Thank you for sharing this part of You with me. I am honored. I am humbled. I am so very grateful. I have been given a tremendous responsibility that will now forever be with me. I cherish it. I will honor You with it. Oh, Lord allow me to continue to see everything from your eyes, trusting you each step of the way.

I’m snapped back into reality with the familiar sound of my name coming from the lips of Kaya. “Jesseeca, are you going to cry?” I grin at him, knowing he knows the answer to his question. “Without a doubt.” I smile as tears well up.

My heart sinks as I hear the sound of the small plane engine flying above. It’s go time. Everyone scurries off the bus and we head across the road as the plane touches down. It was a frenzy. We’ are quickly informed that we have no time to waste. There was a storm coming in and if we didn’t get off the group in 5 minutes more or less we would have to wait it out which could mean a flight leaving tomorrow. Everything was happening so fast. Inside it was as if I was trying to grasp at air. I couldn’t quite get a hold. It was all going through my fingers.

I hugged Scovia. I shook my Pakistani friend’s hand, thanking him for his friendship and letting him know I will faithfully pray for him. The pilot yells at us to hurry. I walked up to Kaya, tears steadily falling from my eyes and couldn’t have managed to get anything out even if I had time. I wrapped my arms around him and hugged that sweet man as I have hugged my Daddy so many times. This was it.

I walked onto that little propeller plane, sat down, and buckled in. I watched all that entailed my 4 month journey get smaller and smaller as we flew into the clouds.

I was coming home, but it wasn’t the same me that left. I am changed. If ever I knew my journey wasn’t finished, it was now. So, just as I flew into Sudan with the unknown before me I was flying out of Sudan with the unknown beckoning my name yet again.

He Knew the Reward was Better

Wednesday June 22nd, 2011

I was graced with the opportunity to spend some quality time on the church compound and at the Seed Effect offices today. I was hoping this would be the case since it was quite literally my last chance. I know myself well enough to know that quality time is one of the ways that I function, so being in no rush, feeling no pressure, and simply ‘being around’ today was simply what I needed. Plus, I knew it would be an extremely emotional day for me and sometimes it’s best to allow myself to process all that is going on in this way.
So, this morning I headed up to the Seed Effect offices and was able to spend some really sweet time with Scovia. She, as did everyone else, had to get some work done so I made sure to not get in the way. Looking back, I’m grateful it was simply a normal day like every other day in that sense. I was able to kind of sit back and observe. I was watching and soaking in all that God allowed me to be a part of for the past 4 months. How truly blessed am I!
I ended up heading over to the Water Harvest Compound to see what Norma and the rest of the crew were up to over there. I found them, also, hard at work. I wasn’t sure if I’d get the chance to see them again so I made sure to thank Norma for everything; for being such a source of life to me. Goodness, the huge ball in my throat was getting harder and harder to swallow. Norma began expressing her love for me and crying and the levy was let loose. I just love her so much. It’s as if the 4 months were flying through my head and it was someone else’s memories I was watching. In front of me was this beautiful example of a Christ exalting, sacrifice anything for the sake of the Gospel woman, and she was MY friend. She was shedding tears on my behalf out of sheer excitement for what the Lord has in store for my future and in my sweet relationship with Him. How did I get here? How is it I have been given so many good, good gifts? I cried expressing my complete lack of knowledge as to what the future holds. I have no idea, yet know He does. I know it with every fiber of my being. She cried with me. She knows even better than I do what that is like. Her own life is marked by walking completely by faith and not by sight…never having known she would be now living and serving in the capacity she is in South Sudan. It was yet another beautiful reminder from my God that as much as I felt today that Norma “gets” me, He KNOWS me in full. Oh, what a comforting Truth. Norma and I went back to her tukol and talked more and she prayed for and over me. It was so special and one of those times I will carry with me, constantly reminding me of His goodness.

I said my goodbyes to Barbara and then went in the office to say goodbye to Grant. Grant truly is one of those guys that loves people just so well. He has been a tremendous friend to me, challenging me when I needed to be challenged. Because the Lord uses him so very much I’m sure he isn’t even aware of many of the times God used him to challenge me. I’m so thankful for his friendship during these past 4 months. It’s so hard making these friendships knowing the reality that they simply won’t be the same once leaving. The bitter comes with the sweet. The sweet makes the bitter bearable.
I headed back over to the Seed Effect office for lunch. It’s amazing how the mundane becomes amazingly special when it’s come down to the end. By this time my tears couldn’t hide themselves anymore. My mind’s eye was clicking the camera trying to take in EVERYTHING. How do I imprint it all into my heart, never to forget? It’s already been done. It’s as if it’s woven into the very fiber of my being. Even more so, it’s as if the longer I live the more Jesus allows me to see what has already been created in me for Him. It’s just a matter of me awakening to it. It’s a beautifully odd thing at times. Lunch was had and I couldn’t help but smile knowing how different lunch would be for me so very soon.
After lunch I headed over to where Stephanie stays and was so happy to find that she would have some time to spend with me. Sweet Stephanie. Oh, how I wish I could have spent so much more time with her. Just when I feel like I’m getting to know her more it’s time to go. We headed over to the Water Harvest Compound and sat out on Norma’s porch and just talked and talked. It was one of those live giving, soul moving conversations with a sister. What a gift being able to share life with others is. What a privilege! After a couple hours we prayed for each other and back over to the Seed Effect office I went.

Stephanie

It was just about closing time. I don’t want this to end, Father. How do I do this? How do I say goodbye? Oh, Jesus, these people are my friends…my family. My heart wanted to burst. Scovia asked me to come into the office. I could see she was on the verge of tears. The Seed Effect staff gathered all around me and began sharing their heart to me one by one. I was a bawling mess…a bawling mess of humble pie. Tears were shared all around. All I could do was stand there and take it all in..in its entirety. I then choked something out to them in return trying to find words that did any amount of justice. Then they asked to pray for and over me. Blessings upon blessings.

I walked out of the Seed Effect office and then the gate, walking down the dirt road towards the church. Oh, Father thank you for knowing what my heart can handle even if I don’t. This feeling of sheer sadness of leaving yet excited for going home is almost too much to bear. Thank you. Thank you for knowing.

How did you do it? How did you walk on this earth with those you love so much and leave via the means of death?? You knew what was to come. You knew the need…my need. You knew the reward was far greater than the feelings of leaving. Oh, Jesus please help me to choose to see as you see.

I had about 15 minutes to sit outside the church by myself and soak it all in. Then, the rest of the team arrived as those in the Bible school were going to have an I Am Second group that night they wanted us to observe. And, Dima had a time of sharing and communion planned to see us off from their entire church. I couldn’t have planned a better way for me to close off my time there. I was able to sit there at watch church leaders and those that are actively pursuing a Bible degree to just the same DO a discipleship group. Not only that, but they were passionate about it. They got it. Hallelujah, they got it!! I sat there overwhelmed with so much joy and was reminded that my time there was finished.

They invited my team up to take communion first as their guests and then the rest followed. All of the men sang beautifully, a Capella, and I sat there feeling the power of Spirit moving. Communion wrapped up and Dima asked if a couple of people wanted to come to the front to share anything. I knew I couldn’t. I wouldn’t be able to get 2 words out before choking up and bawling. Literally, I couldn’t. So, Jenn and Michael went up and did a great job of expressing how they felt about their time there and all the Lord accomplished. And then,….Dima turned his attention to me. How did I think he would not??  He so graciously shared his appreciation for my willingness to come to them, etc. and then asked me to say something. And, as I knew would happen, I got about 2 words in and lost it. I needed them to hear what God wanted to say via me, though so I got myself together and expressed to them the immense privilege it has been to be so welcomed and invited into their life. I know it’s not something to take light. I challenged them to continue in the ways of the Lord and to put forth the effort to seek Jesus in all things, at all times. I expressed how simply watching them live a life honoring our King despite their immense suffering is not only honorable but beautifully convicting.

So, after that full day I was pretty much an emotional zombie. I tend to get quiet and become an observer when having to say goodbye’s because I’m afraid I’ll miss something. So, here I am, my last full day in Kajo Keji coming to an end. Oh, what a sweet day it has been. I kind of want to stay a little bit in denial of the fact that I leave tomorrow. That being said, heading across the ocean is just as close and despite my grief of leaving I have a seed of excitement for what’s on the other side of the ocean.

Lord, let thy will be done and not mine. It’s all a gift and for that I am beyond thankful.

Begging and Pleading

Tuesday June 21st, 2011


I was excited to head out to Longira village with Andrew and Sarah. I had heard of such amazing things throughout the week from those that had been coming out here. Last minute I found out that Thomas had decided to come as well. I was so happy to hear so knowing it meant I’d have some time with my dear friend that I hadn’t planned on having! I love Jesus for his sweet blessings. The drive out there was…fun. The truck was packed full of people (as usual) and became more packed along the way as we’d add a few here and there. Once arriving at the church spot we all piled out and realized there wasn’t anyone there yet. They were told we’d be back and to come there at that time. The plan was to go out to those who hadn’t been reached already that week and then come back together once getting the world out for discipleship time. So, as all true Africans do, we waited. :) No one showed up for a couple hours. It was such a great time with those who came along to translate. We were able to just talk and enjoy each other’s company.

The decision was finally made that the few of us there would all split up into small groups and go out hut to hut sharing the Gospel and inviting people to the afternoon discipleship time . With me were Thomas and Alfred. Everyone we were supposed to follow up with was not home. Eventually, we stopped at the home of the guy who was deaf and mute.

We were informed that he hadn’t always been deaf and mute. He had gotten really sick a few years ago and almost died. After all was said and done, he survived, but ended up being deaf and mute. The young man’s father continued sharing that they had taken him to church hoping their prayers for healing would help and that they continue to pray for healing often.

I cannot adequately express how burdened my heart was for this young man. While his mouth said nothing, His eyes said a thousand words.

I asked if we could pray for him. I was determined. I was going to beg and plead the Lord for healing on his behalf. Begging and pleading is what I did. I know Jesus is in no way confined by a mute mouth or deaf ears and that He is more than powerful enough to speak clearly to this man so that He would make Himself known, but I wanted him to be healed. I wanted Jesus to be made known and this man’s healing to be one of those ways.

Thomas and I both prayed. I looked at the man and asked him if he could hear me. Nothing. I asked him if he could try and speak. Nothing.

I wasn’t done. He wasn’t done. I sat there, my knees resting on that orange dirt, my hands resting on this young man’s shoulders and I looked to Thomas and knew without saying a word he understood I wanted to keep praying. I just felt that I wasn’t to stop praying. So, we continued.

I told the Lord that I knew his goodness was in no way defied by physical healing. But, I still wanted that for this man. I told Jesus that I know that in asking it doesn’t always mean it’s what will be done. But, I still wanted that for this man. I told God that I knew He could magnify Himself in any way He so choose to do so. But, I wanted it to be by healing this man.

Thomas prayed. He prayed so fervently and with a conviction that humbled me.

Nothing.

For a third time, we prayed and begged and pleaded.
It was not His will that day to heal that young man. I confessed to Jesus my desires of healing, but also proclaimed that I wanted His will above mine….regardless of what that meant.
I walked away from that man and that home that day overwhelmed to tears. My heart was broken for that man…for his family…for his community. Jesus broke me to the core asking me if I truly trusted that man’s state with Him. Did I trust that Jesus could heal even if He didn’t choose to? Did I trust that His will is far greater than mine? Did I trust that He is good even if circumstances that He allows simply are not?

We and spent so much time there that it was time to head back to the tree where the church was for discipleship. I was happy to find that a good number of people had gathered and were ready for teaching. They sang hymns in KuKu and a message was preached/discussed. Then was time for baby dedications! It was so sweet to see Andrew dedicate twins and their older sibling.
It was all so surreal and beautiful.

It was a bitter sweet drive home that day. I knew it was my last time out in a village. I tried to take it all in as we drove on the bumpy road.

Memories flooded me.

Faces flashed in my head.

Conversations echoed in my ears.


I trust you, Jesus.

The time is now.

Monday June 20th, 2011


So, it was decided I’d join Steve at the Bible School on Monday afternoon. He was set to teach on discipleship to the students and I was very interested in sitting in and observing. I not only wanted to observe Steve’s way of teaching, but also their responses. First thing that morning, Ami and I were dropped off at the church compound and I showed her around so she was able to take pictures of this and that. I realized as I was doing so just how much pride I took in showing her around. This place really had become home. Before we knew it, it was lunch time so Ami, Steve, and I headed over to the Seed Effect office to eat lunch with everyone there as I had done just about every single day since being in South Sudan. After lunch we headed over to the Bible School classroom.

I sat there and watched as Steve reviewed and taught on discipleship to all of the students. I was encouraged. A lot of the things I had processed through myself while being there..the things that work, those that don’t..my successes and failures…a lot of that was brought into his teaching. I slowly began to feel like I was watching live in slow motion as the Lord began to prick the ears of my heart…

“Nothing you do for me is in vain.”

“The work you have done for me is of far greater worth than you even realize”

“Remember, my timing is perfect.”

I had the enormous realization that all I had been working towards was right there in front of me.

It was overwhelming.

                               Powerful.

                                             Beautiful.

                                                          Encouraging.

                                                                            Worshipful.

I had many conversations throughout the 4 months about just how to get discipleship out there in a larger realm- a larger, more effective way. I just knew the Bible students were the key, but for one reason or another it just hadn’t happened.

Now, I watched and listened as the students grasped it all. They got it. Not only did they get it, they were excited about it! I had to keep myself from getting overly emotional as I sat there on the side of the room observing. Yet again, He spoke…

“Soon, your time will be done here, but not the work I am doing. It will continue.”

“As much as you love these people, I love them more. “

“I will make myself known.”

Although unplanned, Steve was asked to come back the next day. They wanted to practice facilitating the discipleship groups and come back the next day to share and confirm they understood in knowledge and application.

The time was now.