I was graced with the opportunity to spend some quality time on the church compound and at the Seed Effect offices today. I was hoping this would be the case since it was quite literally my last chance. I know myself well enough to know that quality time is one of the ways that I function, so being in no rush, feeling no pressure, and simply ‘being around’ today was simply what I needed. Plus, I knew it would be an extremely emotional day for me and sometimes it’s best to allow myself to process all that is going on in this way.
So, this morning I headed up to the Seed Effect offices and was able to spend some really sweet time with Scovia. She, as did everyone else, had to get some work done so I made sure to not get in the way. Looking back, I’m grateful it was simply a normal day like every other day in that sense. I was able to kind of sit back and observe. I was watching and soaking in all that God allowed me to be a part of for the past 4 months. How truly blessed am I!
I ended up heading over to the Water Harvest Compound to see what Norma and the rest of the crew were up to over there. I found them, also, hard at work. I wasn’t sure if I’d get the chance to see them again so I made sure to thank Norma for everything; for being such a source of life to me. Goodness, the huge ball in my throat was getting harder and harder to swallow. Norma began expressing her love for me and crying and the levy was let loose. I just love her so much. It’s as if the 4 months were flying through my head and it was someone else’s memories I was watching. In front of me was this beautiful example of a Christ exalting, sacrifice anything for the sake of the Gospel woman, and she was MY friend. She was shedding tears on my behalf out of sheer excitement for what the Lord has in store for my future and in my sweet relationship with Him. How did I get here? How is it I have been given so many good, good gifts? I cried expressing my complete lack of knowledge as to what the future holds. I have no idea, yet know He does. I know it with every fiber of my being. She cried with me. She knows even better than I do what that is like. Her own life is marked by walking completely by faith and not by sight…never having known she would be now living and serving in the capacity she is in South Sudan. It was yet another beautiful reminder from my God that as much as I felt today that Norma “gets” me, He KNOWS me in full. Oh, what a comforting Truth. Norma and I went back to her tukol and talked more and she prayed for and over me. It was so special and one of those times I will carry with me, constantly reminding me of His goodness.
I said my goodbyes to Barbara and then went in the office to say goodbye to Grant. Grant truly is one of those guys that loves people just so well. He has been a tremendous friend to me, challenging me when I needed to be challenged. Because the Lord uses him so very much I’m sure he isn’t even aware of many of the times God used him to challenge me. I’m so thankful for his friendship during these past 4 months. It’s so hard making these friendships knowing the reality that they simply won’t be the same once leaving. The bitter comes with the sweet. The sweet makes the bitter bearable.
I headed back over to the Seed Effect office for lunch. It’s amazing how the mundane becomes amazingly special when it’s come down to the end. By this time my tears couldn’t hide themselves anymore. My mind’s eye was clicking the camera trying to take in EVERYTHING. How do I imprint it all into my heart, never to forget? It’s already been done. It’s as if it’s woven into the very fiber of my being. Even more so, it’s as if the longer I live the more Jesus allows me to see what has already been created in me for Him. It’s just a matter of me awakening to it. It’s a beautifully odd thing at times. Lunch was had and I couldn’t help but smile knowing how different lunch would be for me so very soon.
After lunch I headed over to where Stephanie stays and was so happy to find that she would have some time to spend with me. Sweet Stephanie. Oh, how I wish I could have spent so much more time with her. Just when I feel like I’m getting to know her more it’s time to go. We headed over to the Water Harvest Compound and sat out on Norma’s porch and just talked and talked. It was one of those live giving, soul moving conversations with a sister. What a gift being able to share life with others is. What a privilege! After a couple hours we prayed for each other and back over to the Seed Effect office I went.
StephanieIt was just about closing time. I don’t want this to end, Father. How do I do this? How do I say goodbye? Oh, Jesus, these people are my friends…my family. My heart wanted to burst. Scovia asked me to come into the office. I could see she was on the verge of tears. The Seed Effect staff gathered all around me and began sharing their heart to me one by one. I was a bawling mess…a bawling mess of humble pie. Tears were shared all around. All I could do was stand there and take it all in..in its entirety. I then choked something out to them in return trying to find words that did any amount of justice. Then they asked to pray for and over me. Blessings upon blessings.
I walked out of the Seed Effect office and then the gate, walking down the dirt road towards the church. Oh, Father thank you for knowing what my heart can handle even if I don’t. This feeling of sheer sadness of leaving yet excited for going home is almost too much to bear. Thank you. Thank you for knowing.
How did you do it? How did you walk on this earth with those you love so much and leave via the means of death?? You knew what was to come. You knew the need…my need. You knew the reward was far greater than the feelings of leaving. Oh, Jesus please help me to choose to see as you see.
I had about 15 minutes to sit outside the church by myself and soak it all in. Then, the rest of the team arrived as those in the Bible school were going to have an I Am Second group that night they wanted us to observe. And, Dima had a time of sharing and communion planned to see us off from their entire church. I couldn’t have planned a better way for me to close off my time there. I was able to sit there at watch church leaders and those that are actively pursuing a Bible degree to just the same DO a discipleship group. Not only that, but they were passionate about it. They got it. Hallelujah, they got it!! I sat there overwhelmed with so much joy and was reminded that my time there was finished.
They invited my team up to take communion first as their guests and then the rest followed. All of the men sang beautifully, a Capella, and I sat there feeling the power of Spirit moving. Communion wrapped up and Dima asked if a couple of people wanted to come to the front to share anything. I knew I couldn’t. I wouldn’t be able to get 2 words out before choking up and bawling. Literally, I couldn’t. So, Jenn and Michael went up and did a great job of expressing how they felt about their time there and all the Lord accomplished. And then,….Dima turned his attention to me. How did I think he would not?? He so graciously shared his appreciation for my willingness to come to them, etc. and then asked me to say something. And, as I knew would happen, I got about 2 words in and lost it. I needed them to hear what God wanted to say via me, though so I got myself together and expressed to them the immense privilege it has been to be so welcomed and invited into their life. I know it’s not something to take light. I challenged them to continue in the ways of the Lord and to put forth the effort to seek Jesus in all things, at all times. I expressed how simply watching them live a life honoring our King despite their immense suffering is not only honorable but beautifully convicting.
So, after that full day I was pretty much an emotional zombie. I tend to get quiet and become an observer when having to say goodbye’s because I’m afraid I’ll miss something. So, here I am, my last full day in Kajo Keji coming to an end. Oh, what a sweet day it has been. I kind of want to stay a little bit in denial of the fact that I leave tomorrow. That being said, heading across the ocean is just as close and despite my grief of leaving I have a seed of excitement for what’s on the other side of the ocean.
Lord, let thy will be done and not mine. It’s all a gift and for that I am beyond thankful.
