So, Monday begins the last full month I will be employed by the Texas Baptist Home. That hit me today as I was walking from my building to the next to get some more printer ink. That’s been happening a lot lately. I’ll be doing my “every day things” and Bam.—I’m hit with a dose of reality. I know it’s all a part of the Lord preparing my heart for what He has next, and I find it comforting, but it’s made me oh, so nostalgic. Goodness, Lord knows I don’t ever need help being nostalgic; it comes quite natural to me. :)
Not that these past 3 year and 8 months will ever, EVER be able to be whittled down to simple numbers, but I figured something out today:
When they day comes (Sept. 3rd) for me to move on from TBH to uncharted waters, I will have had the enormous, overwhelmingly beautiful, eye opening privilege to have personally been a part of (if I counted correctly) 56 children being adopted. I will have personally served alongside 38 adoptive couples who had their lives radically transformed by the gift of adoption. This doesn’t include the couples that are still waiting to adopt that I worked with or those that decided adoption through TBH wasn’t for them, or those that adopted prior to me stepping into the adoption case manager position that I was able to work with in a number of different ways, or even those couples that decided that strictly fostering was where they were called.
I can't help but become extremely emotional just typing that out because I am sitting here and see all of the faces, hear all of the conversations, and feel the pangs of fear and grief and sacrifice and joy and elation and provision that come with adoption. (Is this the time to point out and correlate all of this to the life of my Lord Jesus Christ and what He accomplished on the Cross?? Good. Thought so.) My mind is just flooded and I pray I don’t ever lose any of what I just mentioned. It is all so woven into who I have become, that I honestly don’t see how it could leave me. Thank you, Jesus.
You know what? I don’t get it. I just don’t get why I would be allowed to experience and be a part of something so wonderful and sanctifying and challenging and wholeheartedly life changing. I am changed. I will never be the same because of the past 3 plus years. I don’t know that I’ll ever fully understand the Lord’s grace in allowing me to serve here at TBH and work with all of the people I have, but I do know that whatever the reason, I am grateful. Words will never do justice to how eternally grateful I am.
My soul has been moved. Adoption is so much more than the means of receiving a child. I can’t even count the amount of times I’ve expressed that to people—both those that want to adopt and those that say they have no desire whatsoever. It is one way the Lord has allowed me to see His Gospel lived out today. It is of God, created by God, and God glorifying. I think i'll go ahead and save all of this for another post.
So, my heart is heavy today. It is heavy with all of the wonderful memories of the lives and Love I have been a part of the past 3 years and 8 months.
Thank you, Father for this eternal gift.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
...but the Lord determines his steps.
So, I'm sitting here in my wonderful hammock in my back yard, the sun went down about 30 minutes ago and I'm positioned just right to where I can see the bright (full?) moon perfectly through the trees as the clouds go back and forth from covering up it's night light. The crickets are going full force with their symphony and I've got 4 tikki torches lit around me in attempts to keep from getting eaten alive by the most annoying and gross blood suckers, also known as the mosquito. Truly, how beautiful is my life at this moment?
Okay, I wasn't going to mention it because it would ruin the beautiful image and atmosphere of what I'm doing and where I'm at right now, but I just have to share. I think there is something dead back here-here being my backyard. I've been trying SO hard to ignore it but I've been getting whiffs of something NASTY. It really is so gross and smells like the odor of something that should not be alive. Lord knows I'm not going to investigate since it's pitch black out here (other than my lovely tikki torch light) and I don't actually WANT to find something decomposing in my back yard. So, the gentle breeze comes my way and I try and hold my breath because Lord knows I'm too stubborn to let a rather disgusting smell run me away from my little backyard haven.
Now then, I should probably apologize. I just read through the past few posts and more than once I said 'to be continued', and yet I never did. My bad. Obviously, I get motivated to update this thing and it doesn't last very long. It's just so hard because I wait so long to update and I have a million and a half things I want to share and then I get overwhelmed and well, it goes down hill from there as you well know. We'll see how this one goes. :) There's some pretty significant things to update on...
Proverbs 16:9 "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."
I find myself going back to this scripture again and again. It rings true today just as it did back in March (and always has). As I briefly mentioned in a previous post, I was offered a promotion back in March. If I'm going to be completely honest, I didn't want it. In stripping my thoughts, fears, and desires, why I didn't want it wasn't because I was too afraid of the added responsibility, feeling uncomfortable with the type of clients, etc., but because of what I knew I would be leaving. If you know me at all, you know that the Lord has given me a passion, love, and insight into adoption that made my job so much more than simply that. I loved being an adoption case manager. I loved my supervisor. I loved my adoption co-workers. I loved my adoptive couples. I loved my birth mothers. I loved my babies. The thought of willingly leaving all that I loved literally made my heart feel like it was breaking. I kept asking myself, "Could I really choose to walk away from something the Lord obviously placed in my life and that I feel so strongly about?"
Luke 22:42 " Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but Yours be done."
Well, I did. It's amazing how quickly things can be put into perspective when looking at the life of Jesus. He willingly chose to walk this filthy, sin filled earth. He willingly chose to die on that cross for me. He willingly chose to suffer and leave all that He knew and Loved.
Philippians 2:8 "And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death-even death on a cross!"
I wish I could tell you that it didn't take the Lord practically screaming at me at 11 p.m. the night before they needed to know if I was going to take it or pass it up. I had made a final decision. I was going to say, "Thank you, but no thank you." and leave it at that. Yeah, needless to say, that's not exactly what the Lord had in mind and as hard as it is at times, I chose to obey. Upon feeling the heavy burden placed upon me to step out in faith, a huge cry session ensued. I was grief stricken. I was mourning the loss of so many things that I had been a part of and loved for the past 3 and a half years. Oh, my heart was broken yet it was a peaceful brokenness knowing I was in Jesus' will.
Psalm 51:17 "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."
So, April began my half days in adoption and half days in Family Based Safety Services so I could be trained as the Director of Family Services before officially starting on May 1st. I prayed many things during this transition. I prayed that with time the joy would come. I prayed that I would glorify the Lord in the midst of my emotions being everywhere. I prayed that I would see at least a glimpse of His purpose in leading me in this direction and that the glimpse would be enough. I prayed the He alone would satisfy me, because I knew that during this time there wasn't anything else that could (or should!) I prayed that I could be an example of what obedience looks like even when it's hard--especially when it's hard.
Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
This is a specific verse the Lord has given me for this season. He daily (OK, like 100 times a day) reminded me of this command. So, I did my best to be strong and courageous and fought not to be discouraged and fought for joy. Some days were better than others. I would be so worn out some weeks I just didn't even know what to do with myself and realized that it's one thing to fight for joy and it's another to allow Christ to fight for me.
Well, I was 2 weeks into my new position (mid May) and still learning my position, what to expect of my case managers position, getting use to being a director and all that comes with that, fighting for joy, and having bouts here and there of grief of my old position as I watched someone new walking in what use to be my shoes and my only case manager for this program turns in her 2 week notice. Amazingly enough, I had, had a dream of this exact thing happening, and knew instantaneously that the Lord had prepared my heart for a time such as this. It's as if everything in me wanted to freak out, but knew I had no reason to even consider it. I hadn't even fully learned what I was supposed to be doing yet much less a whole other position.
Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord will all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."
So, talks about beginning the hiring process began. Well, a little over a week later I headed to LA for the American Idol Finale with some friends (I was so blessed!). I got back and walked into my office and even before I could put my purse down my boss tells me she needs to talk to me. I was informed that the state had decided not to renew the contract for my program. Come August 31st, my program--the one I had just leaped out in faith to take--would be no longer. My response: Laughter.
Proverbs 31:25b "she can laugh at the days to come."
Of course, my boss looked at me like I was crazy . But, honestly there was nothing more appropriate to me other than to laugh. It was all so crazy. My employers are so amazingly gracious and informed me I would have a position still post Aug. 31, but figuring out exactly what that would be was in the works. Oh, and since the program was closing it would make no sense to hire a new case manager so I would now be the sole person running this program. Confession: THAT did not make me laugh. That made me want to run....to Africa.
Psalm 27:14 "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
Thus, began my opportunity to wait and trust in the Lord's timing and provision for my life next. Many ideas were tossed around back and forth as far as what exactly I would be doing once this program came to an end. I continued to pray, wait, and pray some more. I would go through a week of sheer joy and unwavering faith and then I'd hit a week where it was all I could do to make myself remember that the Lord had it all taken care of. It's amazing how the enemy pursues and attacks at the most insecure places in my life. It's ridiculous is what it is.
All during this time, I would say to people that I just wanted to pack up and head to Uganda. You see, I'm different than most in this area. Most say they just want to get out of dodge and head to the beach, or the mountains, or their lake house. Uganda is that for me. Part of my heart is there, so at times it makes more sense for me to be there than here. But, I knew each and every time that I said that it was because I just wanted to run away from what seemed to all be chaos to my comfort.
Well, during this whole process I noticed that I was beginning to feel separated from all that was around me. I started to not feel as much of a part of my job as I had been and I simply put it to the fact that I had been going through a ton. I was on overload quite honestly and there weren't many people that truly knew to what extent. A little over 2 weeks ago I felt the need to pray about it more seriously.
Philippians 4:6 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."
Well, 2 weeks ago yesterday I had a conversation with the Lord that amazingly resembled the one I had back in March. It's amazing how I ask Him to speak to me and when He does I have to remind myself that I asked!! :) I immediately began to weep. I couldn't figure out why I was weeping and then it hit me. I was grieving yet again. This time, I was grieving the loss of every last one of my plans. I felt as if I was grieving the loss of my family, my friends, my church, my home group, etc. But why was I grieving that? I had all of that plus so much more! Well, it didn't take long for the Lord to reveal to me how He was leading. There had been a number of things that the Lord had opened my eyes to. Well, actually they were more of a burning bush than anything. Here's one example. I get a random message from a gal that I was in Grad School with that I talked to on facebook a few months ago for the first time in over a year. What does she say? "I think you should go to Uganda and do counseling." She then goes on to explain that I came to her mind, specifically in relation to doing counseling with former child soldiers in Uganda. Coincidence? Never. Did it almost make me fall out of my chair? Most definitely.
Matthew 28:19-20 "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
Without knowing still what exactly my option was going to be as far as a job position (possibly international adoption), I turned in my resignation at the Texas Baptist Home this past Thursday. My last day will be September 3rd. In the midst off all of this I have been also trying to work on my internship hours for my counseling licence. So, my hope is to be able to counsel full time and well as do foster care and adoptive home studies in efforts to have an income for a few months. Then, the first week of December I am going to Israel with a group from my church. This has been planned for a number of months now. Then, Lord willing, I am leaving for Uganda (or possibly Southern Sudan) for 3 months.
I do not know exactly when I'm leaving. I do not know what exactly I will be doing. I do not know exactly where I will be serving. I do not know exactly for how long I'll be gone.
2 Cor. 5:7 "We live by faith, not by sight."
I'm trusting and I'm doing my best to choose faith over fear because Lord knows that none of this makes any kind of sense to this world we live in. I find comfort in that. :)
1 Cor. 1:25 "For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength."
So, here goes this wonderfully crazy, whirlwind of a journey. My goal: reckless abandonment regardless of the cost.
1 Cor. 2:9 "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him."
Love.
Jess
Okay, I wasn't going to mention it because it would ruin the beautiful image and atmosphere of what I'm doing and where I'm at right now, but I just have to share. I think there is something dead back here-here being my backyard. I've been trying SO hard to ignore it but I've been getting whiffs of something NASTY. It really is so gross and smells like the odor of something that should not be alive. Lord knows I'm not going to investigate since it's pitch black out here (other than my lovely tikki torch light) and I don't actually WANT to find something decomposing in my back yard. So, the gentle breeze comes my way and I try and hold my breath because Lord knows I'm too stubborn to let a rather disgusting smell run me away from my little backyard haven.
Now then, I should probably apologize. I just read through the past few posts and more than once I said 'to be continued', and yet I never did. My bad. Obviously, I get motivated to update this thing and it doesn't last very long. It's just so hard because I wait so long to update and I have a million and a half things I want to share and then I get overwhelmed and well, it goes down hill from there as you well know. We'll see how this one goes. :) There's some pretty significant things to update on...
Proverbs 16:9 "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."
I find myself going back to this scripture again and again. It rings true today just as it did back in March (and always has). As I briefly mentioned in a previous post, I was offered a promotion back in March. If I'm going to be completely honest, I didn't want it. In stripping my thoughts, fears, and desires, why I didn't want it wasn't because I was too afraid of the added responsibility, feeling uncomfortable with the type of clients, etc., but because of what I knew I would be leaving. If you know me at all, you know that the Lord has given me a passion, love, and insight into adoption that made my job so much more than simply that. I loved being an adoption case manager. I loved my supervisor. I loved my adoption co-workers. I loved my adoptive couples. I loved my birth mothers. I loved my babies. The thought of willingly leaving all that I loved literally made my heart feel like it was breaking. I kept asking myself, "Could I really choose to walk away from something the Lord obviously placed in my life and that I feel so strongly about?"
Luke 22:42 " Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but Yours be done."
Well, I did. It's amazing how quickly things can be put into perspective when looking at the life of Jesus. He willingly chose to walk this filthy, sin filled earth. He willingly chose to die on that cross for me. He willingly chose to suffer and leave all that He knew and Loved.
Philippians 2:8 "And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death-even death on a cross!"
I wish I could tell you that it didn't take the Lord practically screaming at me at 11 p.m. the night before they needed to know if I was going to take it or pass it up. I had made a final decision. I was going to say, "Thank you, but no thank you." and leave it at that. Yeah, needless to say, that's not exactly what the Lord had in mind and as hard as it is at times, I chose to obey. Upon feeling the heavy burden placed upon me to step out in faith, a huge cry session ensued. I was grief stricken. I was mourning the loss of so many things that I had been a part of and loved for the past 3 and a half years. Oh, my heart was broken yet it was a peaceful brokenness knowing I was in Jesus' will.
Psalm 51:17 "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."
So, April began my half days in adoption and half days in Family Based Safety Services so I could be trained as the Director of Family Services before officially starting on May 1st. I prayed many things during this transition. I prayed that with time the joy would come. I prayed that I would glorify the Lord in the midst of my emotions being everywhere. I prayed that I would see at least a glimpse of His purpose in leading me in this direction and that the glimpse would be enough. I prayed the He alone would satisfy me, because I knew that during this time there wasn't anything else that could (or should!) I prayed that I could be an example of what obedience looks like even when it's hard--especially when it's hard.
Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
This is a specific verse the Lord has given me for this season. He daily (OK, like 100 times a day) reminded me of this command. So, I did my best to be strong and courageous and fought not to be discouraged and fought for joy. Some days were better than others. I would be so worn out some weeks I just didn't even know what to do with myself and realized that it's one thing to fight for joy and it's another to allow Christ to fight for me.
Well, I was 2 weeks into my new position (mid May) and still learning my position, what to expect of my case managers position, getting use to being a director and all that comes with that, fighting for joy, and having bouts here and there of grief of my old position as I watched someone new walking in what use to be my shoes and my only case manager for this program turns in her 2 week notice. Amazingly enough, I had, had a dream of this exact thing happening, and knew instantaneously that the Lord had prepared my heart for a time such as this. It's as if everything in me wanted to freak out, but knew I had no reason to even consider it. I hadn't even fully learned what I was supposed to be doing yet much less a whole other position.
Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord will all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."
So, talks about beginning the hiring process began. Well, a little over a week later I headed to LA for the American Idol Finale with some friends (I was so blessed!). I got back and walked into my office and even before I could put my purse down my boss tells me she needs to talk to me. I was informed that the state had decided not to renew the contract for my program. Come August 31st, my program--the one I had just leaped out in faith to take--would be no longer. My response: Laughter.
Proverbs 31:25b "she can laugh at the days to come."
Of course, my boss looked at me like I was crazy . But, honestly there was nothing more appropriate to me other than to laugh. It was all so crazy. My employers are so amazingly gracious and informed me I would have a position still post Aug. 31, but figuring out exactly what that would be was in the works. Oh, and since the program was closing it would make no sense to hire a new case manager so I would now be the sole person running this program. Confession: THAT did not make me laugh. That made me want to run....to Africa.
Psalm 27:14 "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
Thus, began my opportunity to wait and trust in the Lord's timing and provision for my life next. Many ideas were tossed around back and forth as far as what exactly I would be doing once this program came to an end. I continued to pray, wait, and pray some more. I would go through a week of sheer joy and unwavering faith and then I'd hit a week where it was all I could do to make myself remember that the Lord had it all taken care of. It's amazing how the enemy pursues and attacks at the most insecure places in my life. It's ridiculous is what it is.
All during this time, I would say to people that I just wanted to pack up and head to Uganda. You see, I'm different than most in this area. Most say they just want to get out of dodge and head to the beach, or the mountains, or their lake house. Uganda is that for me. Part of my heart is there, so at times it makes more sense for me to be there than here. But, I knew each and every time that I said that it was because I just wanted to run away from what seemed to all be chaos to my comfort.
Well, during this whole process I noticed that I was beginning to feel separated from all that was around me. I started to not feel as much of a part of my job as I had been and I simply put it to the fact that I had been going through a ton. I was on overload quite honestly and there weren't many people that truly knew to what extent. A little over 2 weeks ago I felt the need to pray about it more seriously.
Philippians 4:6 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."
Well, 2 weeks ago yesterday I had a conversation with the Lord that amazingly resembled the one I had back in March. It's amazing how I ask Him to speak to me and when He does I have to remind myself that I asked!! :) I immediately began to weep. I couldn't figure out why I was weeping and then it hit me. I was grieving yet again. This time, I was grieving the loss of every last one of my plans. I felt as if I was grieving the loss of my family, my friends, my church, my home group, etc. But why was I grieving that? I had all of that plus so much more! Well, it didn't take long for the Lord to reveal to me how He was leading. There had been a number of things that the Lord had opened my eyes to. Well, actually they were more of a burning bush than anything. Here's one example. I get a random message from a gal that I was in Grad School with that I talked to on facebook a few months ago for the first time in over a year. What does she say? "I think you should go to Uganda and do counseling." She then goes on to explain that I came to her mind, specifically in relation to doing counseling with former child soldiers in Uganda. Coincidence? Never. Did it almost make me fall out of my chair? Most definitely.
Matthew 28:19-20 "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
Without knowing still what exactly my option was going to be as far as a job position (possibly international adoption), I turned in my resignation at the Texas Baptist Home this past Thursday. My last day will be September 3rd. In the midst off all of this I have been also trying to work on my internship hours for my counseling licence. So, my hope is to be able to counsel full time and well as do foster care and adoptive home studies in efforts to have an income for a few months. Then, the first week of December I am going to Israel with a group from my church. This has been planned for a number of months now. Then, Lord willing, I am leaving for Uganda (or possibly Southern Sudan) for 3 months.
I do not know exactly when I'm leaving. I do not know what exactly I will be doing. I do not know exactly where I will be serving. I do not know exactly for how long I'll be gone.
2 Cor. 5:7 "We live by faith, not by sight."
I'm trusting and I'm doing my best to choose faith over fear because Lord knows that none of this makes any kind of sense to this world we live in. I find comfort in that. :)
1 Cor. 1:25 "For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength."
So, here goes this wonderfully crazy, whirlwind of a journey. My goal: reckless abandonment regardless of the cost.
1 Cor. 2:9 "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him."
Love.
Jess
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